What am I actually chasing for? Is it fame? Is it money? Is it a bombastic resume? Another question is that whether I’ve figured out my calling or not. I have been thinking this matter for the last two days. The answer in fact is not simple. It is also about whether we are faithful in our calling or not. But, we should still also think that this stomach really needs food to eat. I say that because sometimes we really know exactly that the calling given to us sometimes doesn’t allow us to walk in an easy path, a thorny one, perhaps. Then, what this world offers is sometimes let you fly beyond your path. However, be careful if you’re finally dragged and dumped into the cold dungeon. That’s exactly what I’m afraid of when I run from my calling. But let’s pray for those who had run so that the cold dungeon is not for his/hers and the dragging force exerted to them is the “acceptable” one so those can return back to his/her calling.

I was also suddenly inspired by one of my friend when she didn’t choose what the world offered to her. Her name is Primasanti, my senior, a great writer, a vivid theater player, a radio announcer, a worship leader, my source of inspiration. She struggled a lot when she was jobless for a few months in Yogyakarta. She realized that her calling is in teaching. However, she applied some companies which were actually not her main interests. Finally she got some multiple jobs. Even, one of the job offered her more than 10 million rupiahs per month. But, she got one job which she really liked which was a lecturer in a private university in Surabaya. I was kinda shocked that she got the position which only PhD graduates can grab. In fact, she was the top student in UGM so I think that’s an enough qualification for her to be admitted. She accepted that lecturer position and now it seems that she really enjoys her life in Surabaya. Especially, she’s now enjoying the joy of not running from her calling, and I’m so proud of her.

Then, how about me, and probably you? Have you found your calling? Let me share mine. Honestly, I am still afraid to call it as calling. I’m still not 100% sure. Well, I really want to teach. But it’s not only merely teaching. A teacher who can inspire my students. Well, it’s a bit too much, some of you perhaps think that so. Realizing that I am actually not a good speaker and so bad in expressing something verbally. But, I am still sure that if God use me, everything will be fine and a miraculous way is really prepared. From my experience in teaching in Sunday school in my church and a primary school in Klaten, it’s a bit difficult for me to really enter their world. So, teaching primary school seems really not my world. From that experience, teaching high school students or university students is more favourable for me. Hence, I need a degree which is probably higher than undegrad degree, at least M. Sc.

But, the problem does come out day by day. Now, the higher degree application for both NTU and NUS is already opened. I want to do that in part time which means I should find a job to fund my higher degree. I really want to go back to Indo after I earn my bond in Singapore. I am planning before the age of 30, I wanna go back Indonesia and teaching there. Perhaps, in a small university like UNS, UKSW, UB, or UNP. For your information, my UNS teacher has already said that she was willing to help me in application. So, I should finish my graduate study fast.

Now, I should choose between NUS or NTU. I know that NUS is more tough than NTU. A lot of people seem to choose NUS. I only dare to apply for master degree there. I’ve found a potential supervisor whose reseach is in functional materials and devices. I have passion here because condensed matter physics is something that I like. Here is the research detail that he gave me, which sounds very cool.

[1] Manipulation of new quantum states by atomic control of oxide layers for novel functionality: theoretical and experimental studies.
[2] A study of vortex lattices in high-Tc superconductors using resonant soft x-ray magnetic scattering.
[3] A study of electronic dispersion of interlayer interaction in multilayer graphene using ARPES, resonant soft x-ray scattering and optical ellipsometry.
[4] Toward room temperature magnetoelectric multiferroics: Cupric oxide film heterostructure.
[5] A study of electronic structure of organic semiconductor.
[6] New Path for half metallic and ferromagnetic materials.
The students will have ample opportunities to interact with well-known scientists worldwide and to use modern and world class research facilities at NUS and worldwide, including synchrotron facility at Singapore Synchrotron Light Source (SSLS), HASYLAB (Germany), Brookhaven National Laboratory (USA), Canadian Light Source (Canada), and FLASH (Germany).

Getting master or PhD from him should be great. I’ll learn physics totally and moreover I’ll have access to other lab overseas. But, the problem is that the application is still too far away from now. Besides, I’ll be back to Indonesia soon so it means it will be so difficult to apply my knowledge where it will be more in teaching of condensed matter physics which I actually like. But, teaching only seems to be not enough in university level. I should have the research activity where Indonesia might be able to fund me. It means, I don’t need synchrotron (there’s only some in this world) or whatever complicated and expensive machine.

Another choice is of course pursuing the higher degree in NTU, in the same lab which I’m currently doing. When I told my friend about the project, he successfully correctly guessed that it should be an A-Star funded program. It is about biospintronics. Well, it is still new though, and still about condensed matter physics. The problem is with the bio part which is so disgusting. The reason I learn physics is that I don’t want to study chemistry and biology. But, doing that means I’ll have access to biomedical research where I might be able to collaborate with the hospitals or any research institute on biomedical. I can do nanomedicine in Indonesia where I think the current technology is available in Indonesia. And of course, the impact on people’s life is relatively nearer compared to the research in NUS. By the way, below is the detail of my supervisor’s research project which is posted in SPMS website.

Immunoassay is a technique used to detect the presence or quantity of a substance (e.g. antigen) based on its capacity of bio-molecular recognition between the substance and a specific receptor (e.g. an antibody) that is tagged with a label or marker. Magnetic immunoassay uses the concept of immunoassay in which the magnetic field generated by the magnetically tagged targets is detected directly with high sensitive magnetic sensor or the commonly named spin electronics devices. My current research work addresses the development of such a bio-magnetic sensor integrated system. The project is an interdisciplinary research of spintronics and nanomagnetism, nanoscale device, microfluidics, and biological materials.

I realize that we still should choose in fulfilling our calling, though I really hate choosing between two things. Besides, I also learn in dedication and loyalty. Honestly, I have said yes to my current supervisor that I wanna pursue higher degree with him in his lab and he’s willing to help in my application. Besides, I don’t want to learn new things where it will take some more time. I better learn other things for my postdoc. Well, currently I am still confused about what I’ll gonna do. I need your guys’  opinion. I know that sometimes I decide everything so quick. Besides, I am now in the position that I am in line with God’s path or not or I just wanna have an acquisition which will only benefit myself. I really have no idea. But thank God that He reminded me how He showed His providence to Primasanti. So, is there any reason that He didn’t provide my needs?